tangled in causality however unimpressive & small or relying on a higher force, deserving all the shit handed

behind the corner
Tao threw 
a 
goofy right hook,
that
cracked a tooth.

nice.

sneaky,
heavy handed
fuck.

i needed that tooth.

histrionic is a big word

heavy downpour
drains behind the
earplugs.

apnoea won't let me
sleep.

humiliates with begging.

most nights.

04.00 damaging in the ways i am unwilling to ponder

Neighbours dogs. Want them. Dead. Shot them. Dead. Roosters. Insufferable. Shot them. Dead. Memory loss. Can't remember What i did with my Shoes.

tiresome

hard edges pressing
against
the
bones.

ablation.

i shit tungsten

Look alive if little decrepit Pose does the job. As long as kept tight. Smart as a fucking hindsight.

bukowski was right about this

 a woman on the bus

the most awesome set of
wrinkles
on her face,

quite shapely body
&
a relaxed disposition.

all sinewy
&
quality old leather
tough.

like a Hemingway's sailor.
&
that made me so hard
i had to laugh.

invalid r.o.a.

plug
unfold
forced hand

my throat
or
your balance.

poison moving within me
is a living thing
stretches & scratches its
balls
awakening.

sentience fit into biology
now,
that is a fucking joke.
not a anticlimax
too soon.

waste or resort to hydromorphone

point driven
point made loose.
had i a record
of those
there would be something
to assess.
my memory
though
is lacking.

slow learning

compliance
&
fuck me,
a surprise.
eaten away
nerve by nerve
a bit of compensation.
at a time
&
now
all out of
relief.
color
&
smell
ought to reassure,
driven home
i remember i forgot
 it's utterly unrewarding now.
well,
fuck me.
ought to keep a log.
forgot to remember
that
i am worn through.
all the way.
 

only so much volume

said:

"how are you"
 ?

there.

again.

a long, rusted, thoroughly 
barbed
feeling.

tied into it
i can do little,
but shit myself.

dawn like fast tide drowning drenching everything light hurts underlining dirt

i actually watch
the paint dry.

often.
guess it could be made
meditative,
but,
i have enough of that
laying through the night,
hard tramadol comedowns,
06.20
push more in,
verge serotonin syndrome.
functional.
just.

morning sickness
&
morning suckness
&
morning detachment
of getting head,
halitosis
&
this must be what
fucked up moments of pregnancy feel like
or
the morning of the day
one takes a petn/tatp martyrdom
trip.

sucks ass.
 

"von zacher masoch was not a pervert but a crybaby pussy" or anesthetic nevertheless

make my mind
i can't
&
smother me
in engine oil.

here,
it is
bared
the nerves
&
tendons
muscle
all the bone under
subvert
make something out of it
remember to turn me
from side to side
from time to time
i dislike
the notion
of
decubitis.

hamstring.
crawl.
I'll flay me for you
so you don't have to puke.

got to go to work. god damn what a bummer

i do realize 
i'm a fucking deviant,
but just can't help myself
sometimes.

here's your fucking home
all drywalled&plastered&painted
&made up in 
pointless peculiar decorative
shit.

&
no,
thank you,
it's
my
job
&
as much opium as i can cram in.
i hope i'll kill myself,
before i do someone else.

now you made it worse

time crawls
like
radiation poisoning
at 04.27
i am roscoe rules
who wishes there was a word
as dirty as nigger
to apply to entirety
of mankind.

consciousness speaks in tongues

i  haven't visited my mothers grave
for years.
don't know how many.
don't know if i would find it anymore.

for the guilt that sits on my 
memories
is not with the 
bones
&
decomposing veneer. 

white knuckle grip translates into elbow to larynx or this magnitude of strain should not be possible without me breaking... some...

irritable
as a hornet,
feels kinetic
&
i've got to shed it.

can't stand a fucking
thing.

yet another round for a
recoilless gun
recycling the payload
with a power saw
this time.scare the birds right off the trees
in 2 klick radius.
consciousness rattling inside,
gnawing on the ropes,

run away  
head first into traffic,

explode
dissipating molecules
throughout upper atmosphere.

fantasize of being
a komodo dragon,
reptile stupidity,
smelting furnace white hatred,
infected saliva
&
all that.
you god fuck
better do something,
as i don't know what.
to what.

the laughter sounds nothing like me;
made me flinch
something out of
a shitty horror film.
maniacal giggle.
at just the right moment,
i overhear someone talking about 
rights.
loosing context back there
well...
can't help
won't.

"some arenas are so corrupt,
that the only clean act possible
is the nihilist one"*

* A.C.  Q F  RM

poverty a disease a poverty

being sick in conditions like these,
well,
it's a squalor
you wouldn't know.

i thought that it was tempering,
but no:
it's plain
miserable.
 a cut right down to the fucking measure.
proper measure.

tramadol
ibuprofen
codeine
paracetamol
ibuprofen
bromazepam
bromazepam
bromazepam

plenty of water.

doesn't go away easy.

&
mere 
80 mills
of methadone
would sort me out;
flu or not,
pox
vomito negro,
marburg or cold,
&
have me walking 
on amputated stumps.
if i had it.

&
when i do go under
i dream those high cranes,
bodies stringed,
juxtaposing skyline,
swinging,
gently.

incidentally high connection to the server has timed out 4 quality insights i failed to retrieve ganja made everything worse

can't stop
prodding the cavity,
this is a stupidity
of
heavy caliber.

very subtle

it's a Friday thing
because i am Friday
&
got to take it out

harm

bare hands
just the same
i understand now
the stupid damage
that was done
that 
i 
am
doing
that i am
come to think of it
on Friday.

complexion & mass

post seizure calm,
absolute,
37.2 °C perfection
i can barely stand 
to watch.

it's just the wiring, yes;
i know...

i know.
close the eyes,
subdue breathing.
i can see how
the drive gives to worship.
neat.

neat piece of wetware.
&
the void it encompasses. 

insects or the terrorist angle

reading about & by
manzani, cabrinovic,
bakunjin, princip

kropotkin
&
makhno
&
kravcinski.

it's the why,
my formatives.

the heroes of the age
i needed some at.

different age
now they're part of my structure,
as so many other voices
outlooks
sounds of laughter
&
weapons discharge.

still
i can only feel embarrassed
that we fucked up so badly
&
allowed the same or worse;

that men like them 
are impossible any more
& that after them
we so miserably used the word
    terrorist
on these shits today.
on military.
on soldiers.
uniforms.
in mass or solo deployment.
under one contract or the other.


correctional factor for
the corporate world of today.
the civilization stage 
of interwoven slavery
of freedom of choice
within boundaries ever enclosing
the poverty ever enclosing.

we brought about
that which can now be only salvaged
to at least some extent,
by a miracle.

the miracle.
evolution.
to make space for men
to step into
god
or
loa
pace.

to make space for what we still call
humanity.
&
than there's always an all out
conflict
the survivor takes whats left.
 won't hold my breath.
it ain't likely  happening.

with what you all call
terrorist
nowadays,
ain't likely happening.


praise your managers.

ventriloquist dreams me, i am becoming myself due to then subsonic gut resonance, reverberates a spastic line, paroxysm that is our mutual antagonism, cut up well, cut down, now i must become a ventriloquist, anything anything anything sole purpose of getting AwAY SELF frOM SELF or dick issues

ventriloquist dream
small.
thin.
short.
you ain't helping!
 yeah?
well
fuck you!
don't think i haven't tried!
& failed, for sure.
 carbon steel,
settles real fucking pretty.

yeah?
it won't grow your cock
a millimeter longer!
 aaaah, you scrote!
ready the cyanoacrylate!
& I'll ready you a hemorrhage!

both razors,
it makes not a lot of sense.

small.
thin.
short.
well, I've sold my guns
left with just
small.
thin.
short.

& i had no in the first place.
just
small.
thin.
short.

blood gotta hit the floor
before 
small.
thin.
short
awakes

going through the motions

waking up to the
stink of sex.
i feel

am

tired old slightly 
sick.
it will be more than slightly soon.

before the thought was
finalized,

I'd lost 
context &
association

meaning.
meat.

i know my iv metaphors

it's like a drip
steady

sometimes surging
always going

sooner
or
later
plasma levels
hit the magic mark.

you hear yourself say
i love you.
every time

oops

when calculating the odds
while
lacking data
you're calculating precisely
shit.


that's why i'm shivering right now
&
wander
at what concrete point
does the heart muscle damage
occur.

one handful of good intentions, the other full of shit

what used to flay
...

get used
enjoy the breath
enjoy the compromise
 choke a lot?
 pressure that replaced 
the old,
decent pain

this

fucking pathetic.

blacken out
at

4 a.m.

scrounge fort that old,
decent pain.
the one that flayed.

crippling& still not at all as
humiliating
as this

compromise

getting along
long.

the contempt.
fuck.

malfunction or it ain't gonna stop as far as i can see

remnants
hard to kill code
wipe it
time&time
again.

no matter how good my 
housecleaning,
some stays embedded
beyond
in between
the baffles.

hard to kill code.
viral.
&
my mind is triggered on a
shitload
of ports.

a sight
a sound
a scent
a touch
...

april 10

spring doesn't mean shit
i don't expose to daylight

for days

it's chemistry
&
i am well aware
& 
depression doesn't care

it's embarrassing

override

the stupor of benzos
that urge to harm

is better suppressed.

hair standing 
upright
&

the weakness pulls a squeal
from the bottom of the throat
.
upfront
at teeth

it comes out as a 
really
really
ugly posture of intimidation.

sick&bent on
injury
to relieve.


this dying takes so fucking long

i
am
in a coil.

any moment now

strain vs resistance

Watching at the phone from the
Corner of my eye,
this human conditioning is so
god awful annoying.

&
I know the words if spoken
break into sounds.

Fuck you monkey brain.
Chlorpromazine scattered
across the floor.
&
Display doesn't lite.
&
slipknot in my ears
regreses me back to the time
of the living.

"death is fine,gimme mine"

Right.

the toss has been rigged

above 12,7x108 dsk
I'm gonna tattoo
a black&red portraits
of
makhno
&
durrutti.
for the fun of it.
for the sheer fucking exilarating fun
of the moment one crosses the line.

it's not anarchy anymore.
oh, no.

winter is so dreadfuly fucking boring & painful

a presence I've learned to 
detest
my fathers son.
stumbling over the same stupid tracks.

fortunately,
the details differ
latent suicidal,
I'm not scarred of the future.

late winter fun.
disassembling a round
for a recoiless gun.

some distance from
populated areas
ofcourse.
fully selftaught, I'm kind of
expecting it to blow.
a lot of trotil inside,
you dont just stumble across
that kind of thing
this far 
from the middle east.

sooner or later 
it'll get a use.

congenital defect

I am cold
I am hungry

don't know you,
yet, O.D.ed on alprazolam
just the same, fuck you..

stuck in a place
that's on very little maps
&
the urge ages
just like me,
fine, but not so nice.


I like the blades 
a lot of things about 'em fascinate me
opportunity imposed itself
&
I tried one on live meat.
works just like in the commercials.

each year
a nail
hammered
down.

last batch of ANFO puffed,
last one of TATP caught fire.

third time's the charm.
outro will be a performance.

social revolution part 5

    5.45
    sharpened steel
    trauma.

seen the bullshit in all of us.

fuck it all for what it's worth,
there ain't an offer I can't refuse.

burn it all down
&
piss on the rubbles.

social revolution part 4

shack burned down
due to TATP
&
some napalm.
one can never be too careful.

next time
I'll wear Zapata moustache.
as a charm.