& all that in just under four months

I
miss the joy
that
simple
stupid violence
brought

I
miss the
fight or flight
response
that i readily
understood as
&
believed
to be love

I
miss
the sheer
beauty
&
reward
of her face
blossoming into
smile.

I
miss
the buprenorphine
to
cold water
hack.

&
insomnia.
insomnia's important.
I'm loosing whatever's left of my
fucking
mind.

broken bone, you fucking idiot...

an antagonist
that can't push through
is
a sorry
fucking
thing.

landslide or fuck you for bringing joy into my life

years
&
years

decades even

of conditioning self
until i was
as good as dead.

   wasn't your fault,
really...
   how could it be...

i should have known better.