For the lack of a better term: let's call it an end

strain vs resistance pt.2

voices behind my

earplugs,

threatening,

pleading,

screaming for

help.

fucking clown
keeps
getting it
wrong.

obstacle course or no trophies for second places

she says I'm snoring
( well, apnoea... tough shit...) 
but,
really,
I am hammerfisting 
that face
&
screaming "YIELD"
on top of my lungs,
from bottom of my
salivary glands,
foaming at the
corner of the mouth,
half an inch away,
our sweat is combining.

POUND
"YIELD"
POUND
"YIELD"
POUND

but,
it's just a fucking
i
pillow
&
I'm snoring.

medicine

grinding teeth
in sleep.
than,
I
feel you
breathe.
i relax my jaw.

& all that in just under four months

I
miss the joy
that
simple
stupid violence
brought

I
miss the
fight or flight
response
that i readily
understood as
&
believed
to be love

I
miss
the sheer
beauty
&
reward
of her face
blossoming into
smile.

I
miss
the buprenorphine
to
cold water
hack.

&
insomnia.
insomnia's important.
I'm loosing whatever's left of my
fucking
mind.

broken bone, you fucking idiot...

an antagonist
that can't push through
is
a sorry
fucking
thing.

landslide or fuck you for bringing joy into my life

years
&
years

decades even

of conditioning self
until i was
as good as dead.

   wasn't your fault,
really...
   how could it be...

i should have known better.

a common mistake

the hooks
will set in
&
the rush will be
so
good.
then
eventualy they'll
fall out.
stupidity
&
confusion.
it has become
a common mistake.
i don't know what the fuck
this is.
i don't know what the fuck
any of us wants.

this is the rest of your life

it's not an easy thing,
to point out
a salient,
after twisting
yourself
with chemicals
&
social malpractice
so
thoroughly.
a left hand path
of sorts.
now
i got to pry it out
&
disregard the bleeding.
looks
promising.

it's a beautifull thing, but then it's not

raining.
uncertainities
pilling.

a perfect day to
wallow in my
own
shit.

&
call it
love.

existential dilemma no. 57 or dread of incipit failure & dwindling powers

should i push this 200 mg
of methadone
all in one go
&
see what happens...

I'm so
fucking
boring.

I wave as it goes down the drain

well this sucks.

I'd rather

carry M.E.K.P. around

in a paper coffee
cup

while smoking

while pouring

gasoline

while drunk;

than have to wrench

a

unambiguous answer

out of you.

it's a bilateral dissapointmet

setting in.

eating all those preconceptions.

I don't want to know.

well fuck me, it does work

aluminum did it
&
vacuum sealing
against
moisture.
the stink
of
ammonia
has never before
been gratiffying.
I'm mildly impressed
with myself.

махновщина

I've read
that antibodies
can linger
for
a lifetime.

not unless you're terrified of dying

when i said to the doctor
that it was my second
his professional
indifference
shifted to unease.

ah,
the restraints of basic
medical insurance...

can't stop imagining them
breeding
squirming
in my cells,
vectored to fuck up
all
with their unyielding
presence.

tangled in causality however unimpressive & small or relying on a higher force, deserving all the shit handed

behind the corner
Tao threw 
a 
goofy right hook,
that
cracked a tooth.

nice.

sneaky,
heavy handed
fuck.

i needed that tooth.

histrionic is a big word

heavy downpour
drains behind the
earplugs.

apnoea won't let me
sleep.

humiliates with begging.

most nights.

04.00 damaging in the ways i am unwilling to ponder

Neighbours dogs. Want them. Dead. Shot them. Dead. Roosters. Insufferable. Shot them. Dead. Memory loss. Can't remember What i did with my Shoes.

tiresome

hard edges pressing
against
the
bones.

ablation.

i shit tungsten

Look alive if little decrepit Pose does the job. As long as kept tight. Smart as a fucking hindsight.