P.A.W.S. or beginning from scratch for the n-th time and quite possibly too late

 opportunities

opportunities 

what the fuck am I doing?
                     why
                     why
                     why
is this pull so strong,

I don't want prosthetics.

                a plan
                a plan
sorry,
      spinal HRC too high
to take the strain.

             no plan
             no plan.

           ageing 30+ years
           every day
           what the fuck am I doing
           still moving this mess of molecules around
           way past expiry date.

W.D. or mandatory fuckup of all i was

First of  all

I am not a christian.
hence, I don't believe in hell.


        Hell.
" after initial excruciation,
   it'll get better
     with every
        passing
            day"

Well,
        fuck you Manual
        it is not.

cycling whatever benzos

they aren't cutting through.


      Hell.

why believe?
I don't believe in gravity, neither.

I am living it through and with.

      counting days 
      against my veins.

can't help it.

CAUSALITY

I was growing tumors

        merely cosmetic,
 
fuck the social skills
and bloodshot eyes.

writing on skin
        &
piercing nipples with safety pins.

Just for the sake of distinguishing from the Clean.

              
          I  still wear the same suit
             still nurture the same rage.

it's just....

        the point of aim has shifted.

parallax error?
conscious decision?

too  early to say.

won't fit?
can't  fit?

        than Hammer it in.

Broken?

should have known better.

I leave the pieces behind.

it is Tao.

trying not to look back.

it is Tao.

.

...and I thought that i was getting pretty good at being alone

be it Smack, Opium, Morphine
or plain Old Time,

I am a different being now.
       Synergy maybe?

pointless to think in terms
of Right  and  Wrong;

Exhaustion alone was enough
to Cure me of that.
Climbing up from zeromovement 

            temperatures 

took All I had in me.

           torment.
and than it dawns on you;

how miserable it is 

to be without

to be without

a human Being
Capable of Laughing for you.

not to mention fuck
and wake up late, so you can

watch her while she Sleeps.

n 02 a

you fucked up all that i could be.
Truth be told you'd never succeed 
          
        without

my wholehearted help.

How I loved your touch within my
           
         Gut.

How  I  dream of you entering

         Me.

Can't hate you yet. 

you fucked up a love that was fake.
So i guess that's a good thing.

you fucked up every talent
that i was ever 
Passionate about.
        and quite a few there were.

With My Wholehearted Help.

that's how it works.

it's Love.
and
it
killed
me.

LE ✦ PENDU

Now it's within me

now it's me.

Allways was, but now it's official.
                But,

Now it's official.

I know what it means,
I don't know whether
            
             I  like it or not.

Can't be   Duchamp
Can't be   Tzara
Can't be   Vranjkovic
Can't  even be 
          William Seward.

whether i get there or not
now i am
the hanged man.

4 - (2 aminoethyl) benzene -1, 2- diol shortage

1. it is cold

2. it is fucking cold

3. RLS

4. phantom pains all over

5. fuck you for reading, and not getting it

6. snowfall

7. north wind shattered glass

8. obligations outreaching capacity

9. it is even more cold

10. i hate my job

11. i hate what I'm about to do 

12. insomnia ( should've been higher, but i forgot)

13. RLS

14. why do i fucking bother 

15. scarred

ambivalence and still on Tao

too many years to count

or even diagnose
what the fuck got broken .

stupid and childish.
still palpable.

it's a little knot you feel for 

fearing 


        the tumor.

since AK47

and SVD

and Vintorez.

i would really love a Vintorez 9x39.
an awesome machine of rugged simple efficiency.

all our wars fell on my perspective
all of them i missed.

so it seams it is long over due.

desperation is the raw material of drastic change...

  or something in the vein

can't be bothered to look up a cleaner quote.

now,
it appears the Old Pig Feeder was right.

Too fucking bad we shat out 
 most, or all of the pearls,

and spade loads there were.
          for sure.

Too fucking bad he's long since dead
and let me tell you,

Dead mans words
are as dead as he is.

Echo  through timelessness 
         and Dead.

Too fucking bad i never got
   to know him,
i am sure he wouldn't like me 


    at all. 

maturity

I don't laugh as most my teeth rotted

 away
 I don't cry as good times were a long time

 ago
 I don't eat as i can't afford
               it.
 I don't live as i have thought it through thoroughly.


 quarter by quarter half by half horizon never got close.

YOU KNOW THAT MOMENT WHEN YOU REALIZE THAT IMPACT IS IMMINENT.... WHAT DO YOU DO? GRAB SOMETHING, SCREAM, OR MAKE A STUPID FACE? GUESS WHAT I DID...

on the verge of

happening

slow

senseless

run

one good reason

after all

running

away or to

difference is irrelevant

at this point.

you were my only

good reason

what a petty fool

how i wish i could

senseless

not too much

to look forward

to

every scenario

that i can write

excludes

you.

i

am on the verge

of happening

it slides

so slow.

i bet it's going to hurt

like dying

all over again.

ALIGN THE PIPELINES INSERT IMPLODE

peculiar, how this vertigo seems to last every time...

the instance between parting of flesh

and searing, gut moving rapture

i understand all in that blink of suspension

i lose it all the moment it hits

you know my filth

i'm split down the middle in front of you

this is why we do it

for one billion goodbyes.

A SURPRISINGLY RICH DAY

spineless

that's the word....

i am spineless.

stupid and selfish.

merely living is a responsibility

as is loving.

i am stupid.

had it too easy

way too easy to understand.

shame.

shame

that by now

epiphanies

are overdue.

calm.

I COULD LOOK UNDER THE HAMMER, BUT THAT WOULD RUIN THE DRAMA

two chambers empty

Probability curve

is becoming

Steep.

wish i had some fear left in me

Any.

I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR CONDITION, LIFE STORY OR APPEALS FOR COMPASSION

eyesocket

something Wet and Horrible gleaming

there;

spasmic cough

a fine Mist of blood

barely visible on the background of

cyanosis.

Now you See it

Now you Don't.

Fuck off and steal a JOb.

steal a Life.

Steal what you Need.

Steal what you can.

BAD THINGS ARE ABOUT TO HAPPEN

Right.

Non Wiser and not A bit stronger.

it's time.

last cup of coffee

last cigarette

i hate the taste morning brings.

everything Tight and Secure

Reliability is important

when bad things are About to happen.

it's time....or close to it....

exactly which moment is the Last?

the Flaws inherent in the system

are more pronounced in some

cases.

not a Statement on the system.

not a Statement on the case.

that's me

Being

powerless.

WRENCHING

repossessing the vacated rooms

of my inner home.

probing, feeling around

suspicious of spontaneity and all

romantic attributes of the psyche.

nevertheless.....

scrub down the windows

impregnated with dead spiders and abandoned

webbing... grease and sweaty fingers of my

less than favorite selves... smeared with

fear

errors

and overthinking things.

missing object game.

i spot the difference yet the words fail me.

serene and balanced

amounting to happiness?

that's got to be it.

what else could pull so undeniably

on my masks?

reductio ad absurdum of sorts....

i would love to believe it

anyway.