only if absolutely necessary, and even than.... no

we talked the other day&
it was pretty miserable.

all i have to say to you
precipitates into a single
word.
& futile.

 on the other side of the table
halfassed consolations (& what an ass it was, if memory serves me),
& a bit of rage.
understandable,
apparently, i am rude.
well, a human failure, insomniac, rotten teeth and  a small cock.
sure, rude.

blood doesn't gush, so it's irrelevant kind of rude.
can't hurt you, except in nightmares.
right.
you give me fucking nightmares.
once a week, or so
( thank you zopiclone)
we're either fucking or making love.

i recall one time ( thank you zopiclone)
dreaming my mother during the seizure
that killed her.
twitching, unconsciousness, soaked through with piss, inarticulate sounds
&
vomit everywhere.
vomit all over her.

there.

now,
this sexual nightmare is worse.
grown into my disappointment, there will be no goodbyes.
500 g of trotil.
so, fuck surrealism, this is acute & very real.

to the point of not being able to masturbate,
as your fucking face, breast& ass
is haunting.